Love Letter to Parents - Matters of Faith

Dear parents and parents to be...

Remember that you are parents to your kids, and that you are fully responsible for bringing up your kids not only in worldly matters, but especially also in spiritual matters. There are times you need to double your efforts and make sacrifices to be with your children to share the Word of God. Spending time on the Word of God with your kids is among the many opportunities you have to show your love of God, and your kids to follow your example.

To spare you the anguish and agony of what may come to pass one day, allow me to enlighten you on something which should be addressed early, so that you can take the necessary steps and precautions to rectify it before it happens to you, since prevention is better than cure.

Every once in a while, I visit families in BECs (Basic Ecclesial Communities( and during other occasions. When I visit some families, elderly couples or single parents are sometimes left alone at home by themselves. I enquire them where are their children? The first thing they proudly talk about is the children's achievements and high status or income; and that many of their children stay overseas, some in other cities, some staying in different affluent or high-society areas.

I ask them do they come and visit? They reply that some of their children only come and visit once a month, some during long holidays, some once a year, some rarely, etc.; and the often heard excuse is that their children are so busy with their worldly lives, that they supposingly have little time for anything else (in Hokkien, "Boh Eng" or 忙碌, 没有閑暇時間 in Mandarin - which is translated as busy, no leisure time). Some of these elderly couples even lament that some or even all their children no longer practice their faith, or hardly go to church, or worse still, have abandoned their faith altogether and even joined some other faith, especially due to marriage.

I smile at them and tell them that you have given or even forced your children with all they need or might need to make their worldly life better in the future (tuition, sports, music), and that they spend hours in such activities in order to master them. But how much time do you and your children spend together with God by sharing the Word of God and participating at Sunday mass? They often say that they all have no time to pray family prayer together, or share the Word of God together, or even get involved in various church activities. Tuition, piano, swimming, dancing lessons, and many other worldly activities seem more important, and some parents are so kiasu (scared or don't want to lose), that they even have the audacity to send their children, in some cases children as young as 2 or 3 years old, for language classes, music classes, or some form of mind enrichment class, with hope and expectation that their children would have a head start in life or be one up over others, and as a result, faith-related activities seem to take a back seat.

I tell them that the idea of the "Family that prays together stay together" is very simple... You know very well that spending 5 mins in activities won't help your kids to master them, that's why they spend hours doing so. Then by spending barely 5 mins (or even less) with your kids to know the Word of God, will it help you or your kids to know God and His commands (such as responsibility of parents to kids, kids to parents, how we treat others, and the consequences of neglecting such commands and responsibilities)? Of course not! Since practice makes perfect, not only when it comes to worldly matters, but especially so in spiritual matters.

Many of them acknowledge their mistake, but by then it's too late. In Malay, "Nasi sudah jadi bubur." In English, Ït is no use crying over spilt milk." I pray for them and ask them to pray and ask for forgiveness from God, for pushing their children until they become accustomed to being slaves or subservient to worldly needs, and in doing so neglect their responsibilities as parents towards their children by bringing them up in Godly ways.

So parents... what would you do? REMEMBER; "little things we neglect now, become our biggest downfall in future, and may even mortally wound us spiritually." I find it amusing and baffling that, some parents demand and expect teachers of Religious Education in our Churches to be so dedicated about guiding their kids in Faith, and such parents themselves merely wash their hands off such an important duty. Why can't you parents cast aside your indifference, "tidak apa" or "don't care" attitude, and laziness, and do what you, as primary educators of your children, are supposed and expected to do?

Self-Denial: Sure or Not

I find it interesting and amusing to observe how some go about practising some form of self-denial, especially when it comes to Fridays, or even the season of Lent. Some seem to think that self-denial merely means that one must abstain from eating meat on Fridays, and they feel very good about themselves for doing so. Some think that self-denial means they must make themselves miserable in different ways, and make all sorts of sacrifices, as if doing such things would appease God. But are these what self-denial is all about? Do we practice self-denial just for the sake of doing it? Are we really practising self-denial, or we actually "gluttons for punishment"?

Now before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I am against self-denial, no I am not. What I am getting at is when we begin to treat self-denial as a form of outward show, or "sandiwara" or "wayang" (Malay words meaning "putting on an act" or "putting on a show"), where we do it merely to get attention, or to appear to be pious or "holy," or even as a form of self-gratification.

So what does self-denial really mean? In Matthew 16:24, Jesus reminds us: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." What Jesus is telling us is that ultimately, all that we are and all that we do must be not to please ourselves, or to drive our own agenda or interests. Instead, we should be denying anything which is sinful, evil, selfish, self-centred, egoistic, making oneself proud or glorifying oneself. We should be following Christ wholeheartedly and enthusiastically, without terms and conditions. Our efforts should be for the good of all, and for the glory of God. "My way" should give way to "God's way" as our motto in life.

So, when all is said and done, we deny ourselves when we follow Christ with trust, hope, joy and gladness, without fearing the cost, danger and suffering, knowing that He will lead us and guide us closer to Him. Are we willing to cast aside our doubts, our desires, our wants and needs, and let Him be our true providence? Not easy, some may say, but with God, nothing is impossible.

Forgive Us Our Trespasses

Over the years, I have observed how some children play and interact. I noticed that, in quite a number of cases, such children seem to find it so much easier to forgive and move on. For example, I recall some children playing a game. All of a sudden, a quarrel happens and some children walk off in a huff saying, "Hummph! Don't want to friend you!" The funny thing is, after a short while, these children come back together again to play, as if the quarrel or incident that had just happened, had not occurred in the first place, or that it was nothing or not a big deal. Instead of allowing such an incident to boil over, such children were willing to bury the hatchet, so to speak, and move on.

What happens when adults get into a quarrel or even a fight? Are adults able to forgive and move on just like how children do? Quite likely I observe adults finding it tough or even impossible to forgive and move on. Why is this so? It is precisely because some of us have developed a big ego or swelled-up pride as we grew, and together with prejudice and possibly a "kiasu" or "don't want to lose" attitude, we refuse to apologise when we are in the wrong, or refuse to forgive when others have wronged us. Some of us also may have developed low self-esteem, and think that we are the victim and others are the oppressors, causing some to be unable to forgive.

But what did Jesus teach us about forgiveness? Jesus simply taught us that forgiveness is a two-way street. In the Lord's Prayer, we are reminded: "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." Jesus even warned us, "Make every effort to reconcile with your adversary while you are on your way to the magistrate. Otherwise, he may drag you off to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and the officer may throw you into prison. I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the very last penny." (Luke 12:58-59). Also, we are reminded: "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!" (Matthew 18:21-22). What this means is that we must learn to forgive others, just as we petition God to forgive us. We cannot expect to only receive forgiveness from God or from others, if we ourselves are stubbornly refusing to forgive.

Of course, it is not easy to forgive, especially when the other has hurt us so bad. But if we recall clearly, Jesus, even on the cross, chose to say, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." Some of us may argue: "But Jesus is God, and surely that makes it easy for Him to forgive!" But we must remember that Jesus is also a man, and even in human limitations and weakness, He chose to show us an example by forgiving, instead of remaining hostile, holding grudges, or even keeping the bitterness inside. Jesus shows us that, like children, the issue at hand is actually not a big deal after all. It is we who make what seems to be a molehill, into mountains.

So the question is... are we willing to set aside our pride, prejudice and ego, and learn to forgive? Or have we become so entrenched with anger, insecurity, hatred and fear, that we become so easily hurt and unforgiving? Why do we allow ourselves to be snared or eaten up by unforgiveness, when God is offering us peace, happiness and freedom when we forgive?

Judge Not A Book By Its Cover

I sometimes wonder whether some people are aware of the double standards they practice, especially when they deal with different kinds of people. For example, when they are in the presence of a dignitary or some important person, they behave so pleasantly and sweetly. But when they come across a person who appears to be unkempt, or poor, or dressed in a simple manner, how would they behave? Some may look at such persons with suspicion, or have a haughty attitude, or even behave in a rude and demeaning manner towards the other.

For example, if you see a person who appears to be unkempt or dressed in a simple manner entering the church, would you make it a point to greet the person, or even offer some assistance? Or would you think that such a person has no place inside the church, or even think that such a person is is up to no good? Likewise, if you are a salesperson selling branded goods, and you see such a person browsing through such goods, would you offer your services, come what may, or would you ignore such persons, thinking that they are not worth your time, or even watch such a person closely, thinking that such a person could be a thief?

But the reality is, never judge a book by it's cover. The person you are dealing with may not be what he or she seems to be, since there may be more than meets the eye. A person may appear to be unkempt or even dressed in a simple manner, but sometimes such persons may turn out to be far more important or significant than we perceive through our prejudiced and coloured eyes. In fact, the person may even turn out to be Jesus in disguise.

I remember a story an elderly padre shared with me some years back, of a religious sister being posted to some remote parish in a diocese in some part of Africa. When she arrived, she managed to find her way to the remote parish, with help from some natives, whom she viewed with some apprehension. After putting her bags into her room, she went to present herself to the bishop, whose residence was just a walking distance away from the parish. Upon arriving at the bishop's residence, she came across a gardener near the entrance, and said to him: "hey old man, I am here to see the bishop. Where can I find him?" The gardener looked at her and said: "You want to see the bishop? Just go into the house and wait at the living room. He will meet you shortly." The sister went in and waited, and waited. She was getting pretty impatient, when an old-looking man came into the living room, dressed in full regalia, with mitre, staff and ceremonial attire. The sister was shocked to discover that the "old man" she had spoken to, in a rather rough manner, was in fact the bishop, and she felt embarrassed and sheepish. The bishop just grinned and welcomed her to his diocese, and even offered her some tea.

So the question we need to ponder is this... Are we able to treat everyone equally with compassion, dignity, mercy and love? Or have we allowed our pride, ego and prejudice to colour our vision and thoughts? Are we willing to behave truly as brothers and sisters in Christ, or do we choose to remain biased in our attitude and behaviour?

Be a "Common" Carer

I believe most of us know how to take care of our personal belongings. Surely we would not want to abuse or excessively use our stuff, to the point that it breaks down, becomes damaged or less usable, or even to the point of it becoming so severely impaired that it can no longer be used.

However, I wonder how much care do we take towards items or facilities which are for common use. Do we ensure that we do our part to keep the facility or item clean and in working condition? Or have some of us become so self-centred or not the least bit bothered, couldn't care less about others and using such items or facilities as we please, and should there be a problem with such items or facilities, have we become so indifferent and leave the item or facility in a deplorable state?

One example of how some of us have become disgustingly indifferent towards common items or facilities are the toilets. I marvel at how some could be so inconsiderate in throwing excessive amounts of tissue, sanitary pads, or even hard items into the toilet bowls, causing the toilet bowls to clog. Some even don't bother to flush or clean the toilet bowl after they have done their "small" or "big" "business," leaving behind a trail of urine or faeces (that's "shit" or "poo poo" for those of you who do not know what "faeces" mean). Yucks! So disgusting and repugnant! And yet, there are some who seem to be disgustingly recalcitrant, preferring to leave behind their "droppings" for all to see.

If such persons have such attitudes when it comes to common items or facilities, one wonders what sort of attitude such persons would have towards their spiritual lives or relationship with God. After all, being clean is a sign of spiritual purity or goodness, as in "cleanliness is next to godliness". If one cannot be responsible in caring for what is meant for common use, I wonder how one could be just as responsible in caring for one's spiritual progress.

May we do our part in not only keeping such common items or facilities clean and operational, but also teach our children and others to do the same. Should we come across common items or facilities which need repairs, may we not look the other way, but notify the relevant authorities so that, hopefully, such common items or facilities would be fixed accordingly. Of course, catching such persons who commit such reprehensible acts towards such common items or facilities is certainly not easy, since we may not be able to install surveillance equipment, especially when it comes to places like in the toilet, but let us be vigilant, with hope that we would collectively and effectively reduce the possibility of such crimes from happening again.

PhD or phd or PHD?

Every once in a while, I come across people who claim to be intelligent or learned, even to the point of achieving high academic status, and yet the person's attitude, character and behaviour seem to render one's intellectual capabilities irrelevant, or even to the point of being obnoxious. Perhaps some of you may have come across such a person or persons before, who may have a PhD, but who may actually be more of a phd or PHD.

Now some of you may be wondering... What difference is there between the three? After all they use the same letters, except for the fact that some are in uppercase and some in lowercase. So what's the big deal here?

Perhaps, if I may, clarify what the three acronyms mean, then you may get my drift:

PhD - A Doctorate in Philosophy, usually the highest level to be achieved in academic circles.

phd - permanent head damage, as in the situation some individuals around us may be experiencing, either physically or in one's attitude or behaviour.

PHD - this is where it may get interesting, where PHD stands for:
P: Prasangka - prejudice or preconception
H: Hasad - envy
D: Dengki - jealousy

When one has become consumed with PHD, one becomes easily prejudiced towards others, envious towards other people's abilities and even jealous towards other people's good works or efforts. This could cause one infected with PHD to resort to unsavoury or extreme measures to put down the other, or even destroy the other's reputation, or even to the point of committing character assassination, in an effort to puff up one's image, pride and ego. The question is... would one ever be content or happy; or would one end up excessively fearful of one's shadow, or petrified that the next corner may reveal more so called "enemies" to be dealt with? Would one fall into the abyss of insanity, obsessed in protecting one's image and status at all cost?

So how do we prevent ourselves from falling into the snares of PHD? In a word: humility. When we embrace humility, we begin to realise that we are not the ultimate and that is okay. We realise that the world does not revolve around us, and we come to understand that we are merely pilgrims, contributing in whatever way we can for the good of all, and for the benefit of generations to come. Are we willing to let humility flow throughout our veins, or have we allowed the rot of PHD to overcome and engulf us in its treacherous grasp?

四旬期是教友反省的好时期。

四旬期对我们有何意义? 有些教友认为要守大小斋，有些认为每个星期五参加拜苦路 或是去任何圣堂办告解圣事。这些都是很好的虔诚心，不过是外在的表现而已。如果在四旬期只是这些表现， 那么我们将会失去渡过四旬期的真正意义了。其实四旬期教导我们如何与天主和周遭的人达至和好的关系，因而让我们能进一步得到内心的悔改，心灵的洁净。除此之外，我们该反省一下：到底上述的四旬期活动或节目是否足够？或许在四旬期里，我们需要重新注意以下三项事情：祈祷，守斋和行善。虽然听了很多篇但是真正了解的教友们可能是寥寥无几。

当我们祈祷时，我们因该和天主建立更好的关系。很多教友对于念玫瑰经，慈悲串经或是敬礼耶稣圣心经文都已背的滚瓜烂孰；但是这些经文都是传统祈祷，因此教友们只是习惯孰念而没有体会其中的意义，更何况要和天主建立良好的关系？祈祷应该让我们和天主的关系更接近，不只是口中念念有词，心思云游四海的方式。

守斋并非自残身心或是为了要达到减肥的目标。我们守斋因为渴望天主，让他成为我们生命中的动力。守斋也让我们体会到生命意义和价值，同时引导我们远离罪恶的诱惑，避免遍情私欲。守斋也帮助我们不要贪婪，更要关心别人的真正需要。

每个人行善的目的是关心不幸的群体或是穷人，因为我们都是天主的子女，受造物；万物都由他而造成的。因此不应该把资源或食物占为己有，应该了解到人比物质更重要。

让天主在我们日常生活里增进祈祷的素质，也引导我们更谦虚和慷慨与穷人分享物质和资源；不自是空谈守斋而已，而是要如何与天主拉近关系，让祂指引同祂走向康庄大道。这些好习惯不只在四旬期得以表现，更要长久的实行，让别人看了也能彰显我们在基督内是兄弟姐妹，让他们也赞扬，感谢天主的伟大，慈悲与善良。